A new world
The desire to
detach myself from the world for a long time and to enter a new world, a
private one, overcame me.
I switched off
my mobile phone that had begun to show signs of its impending slow death and
cut off contact with all persons through all mediums of communication. In
short, any link that I have with the real world. We all need time to ourselves,
free from the unrelenting distractions of this world.
I felt that I
needed to get far away from everything, from every voice I did not want to
hear, for I will not allow myself to be killed via means to which I have not
acquiesced. I wish to die with dignity, with my head held high; does man
actually exercise any control over the manner of his death ?
Call me crazy,
for it is my best feature, but I hate to feel weak and powerless because it
kills me and tears me apart. Sometimes I wish to die a thousand deaths just so
that I can escape this feeling; I would do anything, just one thing to rid
myself of this cursed poison.
No more the
role of ‘loyal friend’, no more the role of ‘caring mother’ as my friends call
me; everything has stopped but I have not died!. The person inside me does not
die, sickness and pain cannot touch the person inside me. Inside me is a woman
borne of the womb of determination.
I agonised from
pain in my back and my leg and could not move easily, I had an urge to enter
into a deep sleep. I felt pleasure at that moment and wanted to enjoy the taste
of sleep, for which I have been thirsty for a long time. My mother came after
she was urgently called to give me my medicine, hoping that it would ease my
pain for some time so I could sleep. The pain, however, would not go away, for
it is stronger than any drug known to modern medicine.
My private
world. O’ merciful bullet that has saved my soul and given me a new lease of
life, even if it was only for a few minutes or a few days !
I rested my
thoughts, my aching body and wandering dreams. So I took to reading and
writing, unaware that my fingers were even moving. I am a different person now.
So when I came to and tried to read what I had written, I was astonished and
wondered who had written this, to whom, when and how ? The answer was I do not
know.!
I always
thought that reading and writing were my enemies, as I had always said that I
did not enjoy either of them. I would complete my academic obligations as
requested by my professors, a chore that had to be done, nothing more.
Don’t ask me
how because I do not know ,but everything changed; I found myself floating,
flying or even swimming in an another world. Moving from one book to another,
from literature to poetry to religion, from here and there, travelling around
the world like Ibn Battuta. I moved through the pages of a novel like a
musician along the strings of his world ! In your realms there is no concept of
time, shackles have been broken and borders have been crossed; floating and
flying, no matter where, the only important thing is that I fly.
I used to
always try to cut all ties between these two worlds as each of them is
different; the first, distorted and poisoned with its damned thoughts and
ideas; the second, I cannot find the words to describe it, its most beautiful
feature is its innocence.
instrument.
Imagine me reading a novel in one day ?! How beautiful you are my private
How can I
return to this wretched world from which I am running away, looking for another
world, where I hope to find what I have been searching for a long time, where I
hope to find peace, “peace” my dear friends !
For an unknown reason,
I felt the urge to open a narrow passage to this world when I read that someone
had written “Weeping is a remedy for women, they weep in order to forget their
worries, to cope with a greater burden; while men can erupt before they break
into tears. Women are strong because they weep. Men cannot withstand an equal
burden to women, who weep to find the strength required to deal with the
situation. As such, you must weep men and feel no shame, weep in order to cope,
learn from women”.
I was startled
by the trail of images surrounding me, women and children crying, but what
really struck me were the weeping men and I found the following words coming
from me like a burning flame:
“Here, in Gaza,
there are real men,
They have wept
because the pain has exceeded all limits,
Because the
pain has torn the hearts,
Because the
voices have become throaty”.!!
I wish I could
have caught their magnificent tears with a little handkerchief to make a crown
to be placed on the heads of the free !
Here, dear
writer, you find what you were wishing for has come true; as here everything is
different, here everything exists beyond all limitations, beyond written words.
My regards
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